Washington, D.C. – America woke today to a sea of pink slips, laptops lockouts, and deactivated key cards. “At first I was confused because we thought layoffs only included government employees,” said local Home Depot clerk Sasha Spinster, “After arriving to work to see my keys no longer fit the locks, my colleagues and I figured we might as well just head to the local bar and see how all of this plays out, but the bartenders had been fired as well.”
Local bars across the region have become the central gathering point for the now purposeless workers in Sabell County. This now freelance journalist was able to capture on-the-ground reactions from the workforce as they come to a complete work-stop.
“I’ve been unemployed for about 5 years now,” said resident barfly Melody Thrilling, “but of all the professions I figured they’d throw under the bus, bartenders seemed untouchable. How are we supposed to function as an unemployed society?” Brad Touching, startup founder of disruptor tech-bro dating app Nexxt, stated ”This is insane. Without our developers making this app how are we supposed to meet people now?!” 
This reporter reached out to both local and federal government officials seen exiting the bar parking lot, who just sighed and shrugged their shoulders. As of press time, all US citizens have been informed by the government to standby for further instructions, and to email a list of the last five items they purchased from the grocery store to HR@opm.gov.
